SATURDAY THE 19TH OF NOVEMBER 2016 - BETWEEN UNITED STATES AND CENTRAL EUROPE
- XXXXXX CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING ?
- SURE.
- YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT THE ONLY THING YOU REALLY WOULD LIKE TO DO IS TO DISAPPEAR...
- YES, IT'S TRUE.
- SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO IT ? WHY DON'T YOU REALLY DISAPPEAR ?
SUCH A GOOD QUESTION.
SUCH AN HONEST QUESTION, FOR ONCE.
IT'S DIFFICULT TO WRITE DOWN, TO EXPRESS WHAT I FELT IN THAT MOMENT. I'M NOT SURE I CAN EVEN CLARIFY TO MYSELF WHICH KIND OF EMOTIONS WERE RUNNING THROUGH MY BODY.
THE PERSON WHO TOLD ME "I LOVE YOU" EVERY DAY SINCE THEN, DESPITE MY MULTIPLE REQUEST TO STOP SAYING IT, THE PERSON WHO WROTE ME "I MISS YOU" EVERY DAY WE WERE NOT TOGETHER, WHILE I KNEW HE WAS SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE, THE ONE I WAS TRYING TO SUPPORT, WHILE DOING MY OWN PLANS...
MY HUSBAND WAS ASKING ME AND UNDER MY VERY PERSONAL POINT OF YOU, ON A DEEPER LEVEL HE WAS SUGGESTING ME OR INVITING ME TO SIMPLY AND SILENTLY TERMINATE MY LIFE.
JUST AND REALLY
MOREOVER HE IS IN FRONT OF ME, WEARING THE BEST OF HIS INNOCENT FACES, THE ONE HE REHEARSED FOR YEARS AND YEARS, THE MOST REDEFINED, RELOADED, IMPROVED AND UPDATED IN HONOUR OF THE MONSOONS GOD.
- SO WHY DON'T YOU JUSY COMMIT SUICIDE ? WAS ASKING THE LAKE IN MY HEAD
EACH TIME I SEE THAT FACE, THAT INNOCENCE, I CAN JUST TRUST IT, TRUST HIM... NO MATTER WHAT.
BUT MY REAL ASTONISHMENT WAS NOT ABOUT HIM ASKING ME SUCH THING. ONCE AGAIN, IN MY LIMITLESS EGOCENTRISM, I WAS VERY MUCH DISAPPOINTED BY THE ANSWER, BY MYSELF, BY MY WEAKNESS.
- SO? GIVE AN ANSWER NO ? C'MON, WE ARE ALL EARS ! ARE YOU ASHAMED ?
- SHUT THE FUCK UP JESUS CHRIST ! I SAID TO THE LAKE IN MY HEAD
- THE ONLY REASON WHY I DIDN'T DISAPPEAR TILL NOW IS BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID.
FUCK! I WAS AFRAID AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.
WHY AFRAID THEN ?
19TH NOVEMBRE 2016 - THE DAY IN WHICH I STOP TO BE AFRAID AND I START TO CONCOT MY DISAPPEARANCE.
- YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT THE ONLY THING YOU REALLY WOULD LIKE TO DO IS TO DISAPPEAR...
- YES, IT'S TRUE.
- SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO IT ? WHY DON'T YOU REALLY DISAPPEAR ?
SUCH A GOOD QUESTION.
SUCH AN HONEST QUESTION, FOR ONCE.
IT'S DIFFICULT TO WRITE DOWN, TO EXPRESS WHAT I FELT IN THAT MOMENT. I'M NOT SURE I CAN EVEN CLARIFY TO MYSELF WHICH KIND OF EMOTIONS WERE RUNNING THROUGH MY BODY.
THE PERSON WHO TOLD ME "I LOVE YOU" EVERY DAY SINCE THEN, DESPITE MY MULTIPLE REQUEST TO STOP SAYING IT, THE PERSON WHO WROTE ME "I MISS YOU" EVERY DAY WE WERE NOT TOGETHER, WHILE I KNEW HE WAS SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE, THE ONE I WAS TRYING TO SUPPORT, WHILE DOING MY OWN PLANS...
MY HUSBAND WAS ASKING ME AND UNDER MY VERY PERSONAL POINT OF YOU, ON A DEEPER LEVEL HE WAS SUGGESTING ME OR INVITING ME TO SIMPLY AND SILENTLY TERMINATE MY LIFE.
JUST AND REALLY
MOREOVER HE IS IN FRONT OF ME, WEARING THE BEST OF HIS INNOCENT FACES, THE ONE HE REHEARSED FOR YEARS AND YEARS, THE MOST REDEFINED, RELOADED, IMPROVED AND UPDATED IN HONOUR OF THE MONSOONS GOD.
- SO WHY DON'T YOU JUSY COMMIT SUICIDE ? WAS ASKING THE LAKE IN MY HEAD
EACH TIME I SEE THAT FACE, THAT INNOCENCE, I CAN JUST TRUST IT, TRUST HIM... NO MATTER WHAT.
BUT MY REAL ASTONISHMENT WAS NOT ABOUT HIM ASKING ME SUCH THING. ONCE AGAIN, IN MY LIMITLESS EGOCENTRISM, I WAS VERY MUCH DISAPPOINTED BY THE ANSWER, BY MYSELF, BY MY WEAKNESS.
- SO? GIVE AN ANSWER NO ? C'MON, WE ARE ALL EARS ! ARE YOU ASHAMED ?
- SHUT THE FUCK UP JESUS CHRIST ! I SAID TO THE LAKE IN MY HEAD
- THE ONLY REASON WHY I DIDN'T DISAPPEAR TILL NOW IS BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID.
FUCK! I WAS AFRAID AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.
WHY AFRAID THEN ?
19TH NOVEMBRE 2016 - THE DAY IN WHICH I STOP TO BE AFRAID AND I START TO CONCOT MY DISAPPEARANCE.