I had a tour on Grindr with a fake profile to see who was connected and if I was able to recognize some faces. Well... The dancers were all there. I chat with Jxx (engaged, right?) who was connected till 5.40a.m. Such strong resistance, I'm wondering how he can stay awake so long. LOL. I had short chats also with other but I'm not good with names... The ginger guy, the Brazilian etc.
So apparently you are fascinated by this kind of people and, as you know, it's quite easy for me to adapt myself to this standard, so that maybe I'll be more attractive or seductive for you.
I don't have strong judgments against them, I thought you had a severe opinion against cheating on Grindr the partner and using drugs, but maybe was just part of the role you act to make me fall in love, who knows.
After all, we shouldn't forget that our first contact was via Grindr, wasn't it?
I'm not judging you Cxxxx, I'm just trying to understand what's in your mind, what you really like of the people you spend time with, what side of them does attract you, fascinate you.
I'm also trying to figure all this out, like you, to move forward, to adapt, to accept and I'm not glad if this process is a bit tough sometimes, but I hope you can understand how can be destabilizing to have such "Monsoons" picture of someone and find out suddenly (and violently) that the same person needs so badly to escape from that.
I know the message of Txxxxx it's just a stupid thing and that a little 💋means nothing, but remember always that if I have some reactions it's just because I stick on the things you tell me.
In December you have told me that you made clear to him to keep distant and professional (I didn't ask how because is none of my business). Then I didn't really see such distance, I must say. Then the situation got worse, much worse. But I realize just now that Txxxxx doesn't even remotely imagine all this mess and the fact that we are facing the consequences of your actions and also his actions. It looks like he doesn't even take in consideration the fact that you are married and it doesn't seem to me that he is keeping any kind of distance.
I don't want that you push such thing speaking with him, I don't care if he is still around you, flirting with you or whatever else. That's not the point, but I see you have serious difficulties on understanding it.
It's about what you say Cxxxxxx Jxxxxx and what you do. If you say something to me then I'm going to expect that thing and it's really difficult to clash with a total different situation.
From stupid things to the most important.
I don't watch porn - I jerk twice a day
I don't wanna say to my parents about the marriage - I can't deal with such secret
I'm totally over the gay life/scene - I research on Internet a gay club where to go as soon as I can
I promise to be faithful to you (I thee wed) - I don't tell you where I go, what I take and I end up massaging another guy in his room
I made clear to him to keep distance - I end up drunk in his room jerking
I deeply disapprove Ixxx behavior - I do the same in a shorter time
I love Jxxxx, my mother and Dxxxxxx - Jxxxx, my mother and Dxxxxxx don't know anything about me, what I do, who I am.
...and I can go on...
I'm not writing this to humiliate you nor to patronize you nor to judge or hurt you or push you down. This is not my intention.
I just write you this to let you know how difficult for me is to understand where you are in all of these contradictions or if you are precisely all these contradictions and you will be like that forever.
I don't care (I ALREADY TOLD YOU MORE THAN ONCE AND WROTE YOU) I don't care what you like, what attracts you, what you need, what you can't resist, what you whims, what you dream, what you fantasize, what you will... It doesn't change the good person that you are.
I just would like to understand and accept the man I married and right now I really struggle to understand.
And yes, of course, in all this confusion I also have my human feelings that I try to control without succeeding.
I'm human and from time to time I'm mad, furious, angry, afraid, disappointed, disillusioned, depress, disgusted, sad, rabid, empty, vindictive, jealous, selfish, hurt, betrayed, stupid and whatever other feeling connected with all this mess.
Your alarm rang and you must wake up.
I still didn't sleep.
The seagulls are screaming.
And there is a lot of sorrow in the air.
And smell of cigarettes.
I hope you got the meaning of this email that is not written to make you feel guilty, but to let you understand what I mean for "get through" "get over" and "move forward" a situation.
There are still a lot of things that you say and you said that are in strong contradiction with what you do and you did. I think you should really clarify yourself to MOVE FORWARD.
And I can't always help. I'm not your counselor, I'm not your best friend, I'm not your brother.
I'm Axxxxx Mxxxx Mxxxx 💋
I don't want that you push such thing speaking with him, I don't care if he is still around you, flirting with you or whatever else. That's not the point, but I see you have serious difficulties on understanding it.
It's about what you say Cxxxxxx Jxxxxx and what you do. If you say something to me then I'm going to expect that thing and it's really difficult to clash with a total different situation.
From stupid things to the most important.
I don't watch porn - I jerk twice a day
I don't wanna say to my parents about the marriage - I can't deal with such secret
I'm totally over the gay life/scene - I research on Internet a gay club where to go as soon as I can
I promise to be faithful to you (I thee wed) - I don't tell you where I go, what I take and I end up massaging another guy in his room
I made clear to him to keep distance - I end up drunk in his room jerking
I deeply disapprove Ixxx behavior - I do the same in a shorter time
I love Jxxxx, my mother and Dxxxxxx - Jxxxx, my mother and Dxxxxxx don't know anything about me, what I do, who I am.
...and I can go on...
I'm not writing this to humiliate you nor to patronize you nor to judge or hurt you or push you down. This is not my intention.
I just write you this to let you know how difficult for me is to understand where you are in all of these contradictions or if you are precisely all these contradictions and you will be like that forever.
I don't care (I ALREADY TOLD YOU MORE THAN ONCE AND WROTE YOU) I don't care what you like, what attracts you, what you need, what you can't resist, what you whims, what you dream, what you fantasize, what you will... It doesn't change the good person that you are.
I just would like to understand and accept the man I married and right now I really struggle to understand.
And yes, of course, in all this confusion I also have my human feelings that I try to control without succeeding.
I'm human and from time to time I'm mad, furious, angry, afraid, disappointed, disillusioned, depress, disgusted, sad, rabid, empty, vindictive, jealous, selfish, hurt, betrayed, stupid and whatever other feeling connected with all this mess.
Your alarm rang and you must wake up.
I still didn't sleep.
The seagulls are screaming.
And there is a lot of sorrow in the air.
And smell of cigarettes.
I hope you got the meaning of this email that is not written to make you feel guilty, but to let you understand what I mean for "get through" "get over" and "move forward" a situation.
There are still a lot of things that you say and you said that are in strong contradiction with what you do and you did. I think you should really clarify yourself to MOVE FORWARD.
And I can't always help. I'm not your counselor, I'm not your best friend, I'm not your brother.
I'm Axxxxx Mxxxx Mxxxx 💋
TODAY IS ONE MONTH THAT I LEFT RGNTSS.