TODAY IS ONE MONTH THAT I LEFT RGNTSS.IT'S HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I MISS THE MOST.
THE DECORATIONS ON THE CEILING?
THE TEMPLE ABOVE THE FIREPLACE?
THE STAINED-GLASS WINDOWS?
THE COMPANY OF SOMEONE?
IT'S EVEN HARDER TO MAKE SURE THAT ALL I MISS IT'S NOT JUST A REFLEX OF WHAT I WAS ALREADY MISSING SINCE A LONG TIME, LONGER THAN I'VE EVER THOUGHT.
SOMETIMES I BIKE THROUGH D.H. AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IN WHICH CITY I REALLY AM.
SOMETIMES IS LUZERN, BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN CAN BE VIENNA, MILANO, BUDAPEST, LISBON, BOZEN, FRANKFURT OR ANOTHER ONE, A NEW CITY, A CITY THAT I DON'T KNOW YET.
IT'S A DIFFERENT FEELING FROM NOT KNOWING WHERE YOU ARE.
IT'S OTHER THAN BEING LOST.
IT'S THE FEELING OF BEING ABSOLUTE = free from any conditions, limitations, and relations
UNTIED
UNRELATED
UNLINKED
UNBOUNDED
WHAT SCARES ME IS THE IDEA OF IT
THE IDEA OF BEING ABSOLUTE
MY WILL TO BECOME ABSOLUTE
NOT BELONGING
NOT DEPENDING
NOT ATTACHED
THE CONCRETE POSSIBILITY OF DISAPPEARING, EASILY, WITH NO REPERCUSSION, NO ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT RATHER THAN, MAYBE, A BUNCH OF SAD PEOPLE, JUST FOR A WHILE OR MAYBE GUILTY, CAUSE THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, CAUSE IT WAS SO CLEAR, CAUSE THEIR FUCKING RELIGIOUS/CULTURAL BRAIN-WASHING.
IT BECAME CRYSTAL CLEAR ON THE 19TH OF NOVEMBER 2016.
TRANSOCEANIC FACE-TIME VIDEO
- XXXXXX CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
- SURE
- YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT THE ONLY THING YOU REALLY WANT IS TO DISAPPEAR...
- YES, LATELY IT'S TRUE
- SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO IT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST DISAPPEAR?
SUCH A GOOD QUESTION.
SUCH AN HONEST QUESTION, AFTER ALL.
WHY?
WHY I DON'T JUST SWITCH OFF AND FUCK OFF ONCE AND FOR ALL?
THE 19TH OF NOVEMBER 2016 WAS THE FIRST TIME I SERIOUSLY ASKED TO MYSLEF WHY AND NOW, TOW MONTHS AND A HALF AFTER, I'VE ALMOST FIXED EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE MY WISH, MY WILL, MY ULTIMATE DESIRE.
BE ABSOLUTE.
DESAPPEAR.
JUST DO IT.